Transcript of the Text from Roz's 2013 Fake Journal

The following is a transcription of the written text on the pages of my 2013 fake journal. Most of the writing on the pages of my 2013 fake journal is too small to read even in the photos I have and will be posting; definitely too small to read in the video. Some of the text is written large with a brush, some is stamped out. I'll transcribe all that as well as some rubber-stamp  "phrases" that I used mostly for "texture" and visual color.

The author of this fake journal makes little to no effort to make the text and the images in her journal relate to each other. Just when you think there is a connection you realize that the existence on the same page is a complete coincidence. At other times the relationship is obvious. It really doesn't matter because it doesn't matter to the author of the journal. She, unlike me, seems unperturbed that she might pick up a journal in 20 years and not see all the relationships she intended. She works on a page, she notes down what is on her mind, she makes comments, she moves on. And whatever else is going on doesn't matter to her. She doesn't care to explain. 

I found this a fascinating and frustrating headspace to inhabit. I have, since childhood, had a compelling desire to be understood exactly, and by that I mean, I have wanted people in my life to know exactly what I mean or intend when I say or do something; I have wanted them to know exactly where I stand. If it's an explanation of an event I wanted just the facts first, and then my impressions, but always clarity about which is which. If it is instructions I wanted always people to know exactly the what as well as the how of instructions so that they get the entirety of what I'm trying to communicate, so that there isn't confusion; so that the essentials aren't lost.

Humans don't operate that way. The creator of this journal actually understands this and not only doesn't explain to others, she doesn't explain to herself (which I still do). What is it like to let go of that vestige of belief in exact communication, which underlines in my mind the structure of uniqueness? 

Let's just say I've had dental work that's more fun (actually I really have because the dental work I've had done has never been as bad as other folks tell me theirs was).

Despite the fact (fake fact) that the author of this journal is an editor she doesn't edit her stuff, go back and check it over, it just is, right there on the page. When you read the actual journal you'll find writos (which is my name for typos that have been handwritten, I suppose everyone else calls these spelling errors). There may be other errors as well. In the typescript I've written what is actually written and if it's a writo I've indicated this by square brackets and "sic." That's Latin for "thus was it written." Of course I may interject additional typos in my desire to get the typescript out, and I may miss original writos because let's face it my character can only be as good at spelling as I am and frankly since the ubiquitous use of "spellchecker" I'm not the spelling bee star I once was. But you will get the general idea. If you can't understand something because a word is obviously wrong please write and let me know the line that concerns you (and the spread it's on) and I'll try to clarify it.

My character tended to write in all caps, something that I don't do naturally. The typescript will be typed in caps lower case, simply for ease and speed of typing and ease of reading—reading all caps in a typed block of text is a pain. (Writing in all caps is another indication of her complete disregard of any need to communicate with anyone, leaving no indication when a thought begins or ends in either a sentence or paragraph.)

Speaking of page spreads, the spreads have been given number designations to key them to the video flip through of my 2013 fake journal which you can find here. Or you can find the video on YouTube here. 

As you watch the video you might want to stop and read the text for a given spread.

Originally the "bunny" page at the beginning of the book was the first journal page, i.e., the bunny is on the first page after "front matter pages" and was the first thing that went into the book as I was testing the use of gel medium to glue stuff down (went with PVA instead). As I laid in backgrounds throughout the book it became obvious to me that the earlier pages of "front matter" really should be covered as well. And so when I actually started the journal on a daily basis to create finished pages, I began journaling on the first page after the endsheets.

By then I had discovered, by doing two sessions of mono printing with the Gelli Arts Printing Plate, that pink was really my favorite color, and that I had not only not lost my sense of humor but that my character had a sense of humor that, well frankly reminded me a little bit of me without any smoothed edges.

One more note, I did an "interactive" component to my fake journal this year. I asked readers to send me scraps of stuff to include. My original intention was that I would draw an envelope each day and use what was in the envelope that day in my entry, building my entry around or over that bit of flat stuff sent by someone else. I just thought it would be an added bit of fun. However, early on I realized that this character built pages differently than I had anticipated. She worked ahead on backgrounds and texture through the entire book, almost before she ever got to start the first page and work on it as a journal page. So to accommodate that I quickly sent out a heads up and let people know their time for sending things would be over sooner than I thought. And then I opened all the letters I'd received and started using bits and pieces for the backgrounds and texture, every time my character worked in the book. (It was kind of a win-win situation as everyone who sent in something ended up getting a button—which was the thank you for sending something in if your envelope had been selected.) On some of the transcript pages I may note down what is collaborative from someone else, i.e., the stuff they sent it. Some of the stuff can no longer be seen, or I might miss it, it's so buried. I won't remember who sent what, because I didn't note such things down. (Some pages have no sent materials, other spreads have several.) But I do want to say this—it was amazing what people sent in because those items usually melded perfectly with the color schemes that I was creating before I opened the envelopes. Proof once again (though I didn't need any) that there is a wonderful serendipity to creative ventures. And I'm grateful so many people wanted to play along. (These added items will be noted in curly brackets {}.)

And so we begin the transcript.

Title Page: 3.31.13 to 4.18.13 

{lace sent in, used as stencil.}

Spread 1; 3.31.13

I was a finalist in Dancing with the Stars. [italics omitted]

That's just to see if you're awake.

Spread 2; 3.31.13

You have to go into uglyland in order to find the boundaries. There are perceived and actual, both requiring unique responses and actions which upon completion may seem the same but which yield different results.

Spread 3; 4.1.13

Disillusionment vs. enlightenment—is there no middle ground? In literature this is the province of the private detective—not noir, but "cosy" straddles this experiential plane.

They neither look for, nor expect the shortcomings of others, but are unsurprized [sic] and unflappable at their exposure.

Miss Marple, spinsterish but not miss-ish, wise yet not judgmental stands in her parlor as a paragon of observation and living in the present moment, in a world where bodies drop like flies.

How does the current younger generation (20 somethings) interpret this model—with detectives doing everything from baking cupcakes to decorating houses to providing summaries of character flaws based on handwriting analysis. The hooks become distracting noise from the hyper reality which needs, for satisfaction to be every person who sits and observes yet is fully engaged with a career, a myth of doing it all. Has the internet and short attention span caused bells and whistles to be more appealing than the substance?

Spread 4; 4.1.13

No Religious Significance

History is full of movements espousing change of behavior reflecting the lack in society of that time. Transcendence [sic; Transcendentalism] a case in pt. Embraced by women encumbered and men well-meaning—but based on freedoms they already exercise in part. They want more of course, but there is an essential selfishness and a certain naiveté that they can have what they want all the while its exercise is dependent on the culture they move away from. So change becomes dependent upon the suspension of cynicism, or perhaps an adherence to it from self interest cloaked in social consciousness. 

And a whole lot of bloodletting.

How to improve one's self—or actualize and take everyone along for the same ride?

Spread 5; 4.1.13

Visitor sticker collaged to page

On Buying Undergarments for an Ailing Elderly Male Relative…

Why do older me get such a pass? On the attractiveness scale of society…

Old actors not revamping their carreers [sic] seem willing and out of place, misscast [sic] against inappropriate heroines. It even looks silly. Yet when I was younger I bought into this aiming upwards in age for suitable romantic partners.

I've only ever met one cougar. She was oblivious to her own physical limitations and departures from the conventional notions of beauty. And she was voracious in her appreciation of the conventional beauty of young men. Men who in turn seemed to genuinely appreciate and find attractive her joy and unabashed hedonism. Does this tell us anything about the general or only about the specific? Does it speak to the self acceptance of males—since no one talks of the saggy asses inevitable on old white men.

Spread 6; 4.02.13

Letting things slip

Spread 7; 4.02.13

Emergency Visitor Pass collaged onto page. Stamping: Beige Tan Rust

Stop staring

Brown [with arrow to bird feathers]

White and Brown [with arrow to bird feathers]

Spread 8; 4.02.13

Stamping: Proofs for Indexing; Emergency Request EGO

Hank's writing is more than serviceable. But his real talent lies in his plastic face!

Spread 9; 4.03.13

{Left edge of page painted tissue sent in; top right postage stamp from Jersey.}

The dogs in this dog-park sketch are labeled clockwise beginning with the large dog at the top left: Portia—AKA Fluff, Rosemare, Bob, Magnum, Bob's tail, Mr. Jinx, Sarge, Chloë, Axel. (Also on Fluff's paw, an arrow and the words, Princess Paws.) 

[Note: these are real dogs, but made up names. I think this is one of my favorite pages in the entire journal.]

Spread 10; 4.03.13

Barely readable red on red stamping: Chuck chatting quietly

Yesterday on the Radio: Muhammad Yunus, banker, Nobel Peace Prize, Microcredit and Microfinance guy said something like Yes Making money makes you happy but making other people happy (or successful?) makes you SUPER happy. 

Can't find the talk—need to hear it all.

Spread 11; 4.03.13

Stamped phrase: Duplicate Set

Under dog portrait: Ned 2.0 is 6 today.

Spread 12; 4.04.13

Horror

I realizd [sic] I've lost my ability to unfailingly recognize people out of context.

Spread 13; 4.04.13

Stamped phrase: Duplicate revised Proofs

{Hardworking card sent in.}

I have found as I age an ability to read vast quantities of bad writing because I love a character within a work. I'm not exactly sure how I could let this happen—but then in literature as in life some people are more interesting than their surroundings.

How is this investment made?

Spread 14; 4.04.13

Ebert dead at 70

Spread 15; 4.05.13

Go to bed you've had a long day.

So have you!

I've ceased to define days in the conventional ways.

Spread 16; 4.05.13

{watercolor paper strip, running vertically on recto page sent in}

Stamped phrase: Tested DotR1106; preliminary

TWIST

Spread 17; 4.05.13

{Keep Track note paper with fox imprint and window punched out to show decorative paper, was sent in and altered with mono printing.}

You're too sick to be of any help. If we were in a life boat you know I would cut you loose at this point for the good of the healthy?

He laughed deeply.

You know I would—I repeated

I know. You're a cold bitch—he said still laughing.

But he also knew.

And I would.

Spread 18; 4.06.13

I'm still not sure how I feel about being back

Spread 19; 4.06.13

[Note: this page on the right has been trimmed to reveal a bit of the next spread.]

• Why are you doing that?

* Because it's fun. Because I ran off the edge of the paper…I've invented a whole new style. I call it PIECEMEAL.

Spread 20; 4.06.13

Visitor sticker collaged to page

Stamped phrase: Master Page Proofs; on hold

It wasn't really a question

Spread 21; 4.07.13

Nuns or Clowns?

definitely 

Clowns

Spread 22; 4.07.13

Firefighters' Hall and Museum

[Note: this is a reference to the fact that my character went, largely unobserved, to the MetroSketchers outing on this day at this location, where she picked up a Dum-Dum sucker.]

Spread 23; 4.07.13

Altered piece of text reads: Looked into her wide bright mirror with alarm, and a cold sensation crept about the back of her neck. She remembered.

{postage stamps were sent in}

Spread 24; 4.08.13

{items sent in: orange textured paper on left edge of spread; bottom left scrap with Interval Degrees of Centigrade text, white textured scrap on right page.}

Stamped phrase on right page: Image of Leadership.

The concept of Heaven has never appealed to me. It seems too much like being on a cruise ship, shut up with people you didn't choose and don't like. A fellowship unvaried and unending.

Spread 25; 4.08.13

{items sent in: grocery list top left, watercolor strip vertical on recto page.}

Stamped phrases on left page: Special Literature; on right page: Going; Adhesives list, chain of numbers. 

Fortune cookie fortune adhered to left page: A friend asks only for your time and not money.

Spread 26; 4.08.13

Reruns of "I Spy" teach us it probably is dangerous to tour Roman ruins with pretty girls we just met if we have a past that can ambush us. And Don't we all have a past…?

Last night's rain storm was too loud on the new roof—now I have new sounds to get used to. Gone is the comforting patter—now there is almost a metallic ring as each drop falls. Got up finally to watch TV since sleeping was impossible until early morning. More adjustments.

Loiter

Spread 27; 4.09.13

{items sent in: map on bottom left over which I've sketched and painted pears.}

Fortune cookie fortune adhered to left page: Whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take small steps.

Can we go forward to something new? Can we go back to something old with new knowledge which transforms the old into a new "entity"? Is change forward simply a morphing or a progression of superficials to give a sense of advancement? How does chaos propell [sic] us to change? Does it? Or does Chaos cause us to latch onto what was once comfortable but is now so buried it seems new?

Is life a continuum ora teeter totter? Is man on a treadmill or on a long road of cul de sacs?

Do our brains create false epiphanies to keep us in check? Is the visual more powerful than the verbal or is man only able to communicate with definable words?

Goya's paintings of war speak to all Ages. The symbolism of the 1400s is lost in obscurity as ours will be after the internet collapses.

How can we make a sitcom that encompasses all this without the trappings of angst?

Spread 28; 4.09.13

Inevitability of outcome

Spread 29; 4.09.13

I don't land on my feet anymore

Spread 30; 4.10.13

Stamped phrase on left page: Universal; on right page: Shop Drawing File

Friends with interesting noses.

Spread 31; 4.10.13

Snow Storm coming

Still no spring

Spread 32; 4.10.13

Dogs are often more interesting than their people

Spread 33; 4.11.13

It's always more, more, more. 

There is never enough.

Always another emergency.

Spread 34; 4.11.13

Speechless

Collaged and stamped phrases: Heavy-Duty; Second Request

Painted tag on clothing: Fits most 18" dolls

Spread 35; 4.11.13

Collaged and stamped phrases: Moustaces [left]; glasses [right]; Economical [left].

I know that everyone processes stress differently. I haven't mastered my irritation when they do it poorly…on my scale of course. I haven't quite accepted this as a character flaw—or even lack of grace, I'm too busy funtioning [sic—functioning]—while they are all busy…

Focus on happy faces—my way of coping

Spread 36; 4.12.13

Cross Section

Spread 37; 4.12.13

Blurred vision

Spread 38; 4.12.13

Collaged: Spring (with no-symbol stamped over it); Easy Setup!; Fortune—The Greatest perceptions is continual awareness.

An unqualified aversion to being used.

Jonathan Winters dead at 87

—yesterday—just heard today

Spread 39; 4.13.13

Are the people we love transparent because we love them?

Or are they transparent because we don't love them enough?

Spread 40; 4.13.13

Collaged: squirrels on postage stamps; "Please Hold both Handles" from brown bag.

Stamped phrase on right: Tan Rust Beige

The opinions of any veteran of any war are more important and valid to me than the opinions of any embedded journals. It doesn't matter if the soldier fought in the War of Independence, Civil, Spanish, WW (I or II), Korean, Vietnam, Iraq, smaller squirmishes [sic: skirmishes], or for that matter any side on any conflict…

Having bullets shot at your ass trumps any experience however horrifying and dangerous incurred while surrounded by men who are escorting you—even while fighting.

Spread 41; 4.13.13

{Collaged fern paper sent in}

How much do older actors, not doing many gigs, have to get for voice-over ads?

Why do younger actors—Spader, Downey Jr., Do it?

What is the rate? How does it hurt their brand?

Spread 42; 4.14.13

I merely suggested his choice of dog breed would mean bringing someone cuter than he is into the house. The search continues.

Spread 43; 4.14.13

Stamped phrase bottom left: Void Revised. Arrows stamped throughout spread.

Finches

Spread 44; 4.14.13

A great expanse

Fortune collaged: The smart thing to do is to start trusting your intuition.

Spread 45; 4.15.13

{Collaged item sent: notice about Model Appreciation Potluck, near which my character wrote—We should do something like this.}

I prefer the question box

[note: that woman is not a nurse, I just didn't finish painting her hair. Lots of people ask me about this and frankly when I stopped painting I had the same impression myself.]

When I cooed over the puppy—granted it was excessive—Edward looked at me with the bemused look and tone only non-romantically inclined friends who haven't bought into the fiction of your fabulousness can muster.

Spread 46; 14.15.13

Stamped behind the woman: AWE

Collaged type: almost nothing.

Collaged: Robot sticker bottom right.

Spread 47; 14.15.13

Boston marathon bombed. Found out tonight. Not near TV all day. Don't have details.

No one pays attention to me paying attention to the bigger picture.

[note: bottom right is a printed card, cut and collaged down which is my interactive contribution—a print from me. My character went to hear me talk at the MCBA Visual Journal Collective on travel journaling, and got this card.]

Spread 48; 14.16.13

Tootsie

Spread 49; 14.16.13

The safety of facts

Spread 50; 14.16.13

Shirl

She's the best judge of character I know

Spread 51; 14.17.13

[left]

All the news shows had segments on not talking to your kids about the Boston Marathon Bombing. I'm concerned about this intense infantilization of children. The[y] want to know. They are scared when they don't know. There is wide nostalgia for some state of childhood bliss and innocence which frankly was gone even when today's parents were young. And nothing kills innocence so quickly as stupidity—when did the two become equated? The parents are serving their kids up on paltters to every conman, pedophile, bully, and cult leader who comes along. And full of fear.

[right]

I'll never recognize anyone at the reunion.

Spread 52; 14.17.13

{Collaged items sent in, Brown paper under right side sketches, and bottom right file card, both of which got covered when the final page was worked on.}

Spread 53; 14.18.13

Motives matter

Hey…it was an interesting narrative thread.

Spread 54; 14.18.13

Try as I might I seem incapable of making another menu choice. Having been once and chosen successfully even the most confirmed sense of or desire to experiment evaporates when I'm handed the menu and confronted with all the untried choices. I may momentarily waiver, actually believe, "Today's the day I'm going to experiment," but as soon as the waitress arrives my resolve to take a risk folds as easily as the menu. 

I want to chastise myself and turn my lack of follow through into a sign of some  sort of greater life-prevalent lack but such thoughts evaporate with the first delicious confirming bite.

For now it is just a sandwich.

Spread 55; 14.18.13

Why not? 

8

Spread 56; 14.18.13

I can't shake the sense that her panic arises not out of the physiological but out of hubris and an inflated sense of importance. The fears come not out of a given circumstance but out of the "what if" projection of possible outcomes. The sense that things will fall apart without her. I search my own psyche for similar warts so I can excise them before I turn my judgment on myself. I search for a sense of compassion.

It will have to be a process.

Spread 57; 14.18.13

What evidence remains

Spread 58; 14.18.13

[endsheets and back cover pocket]

Stamped: arrows and "File"